It was only a few years ago that I was driving home from work, sitting in traffic. I was probably pumping my head full of info from NPR but I remember not really wanting to *be* at home. I walked in the door and my roommate/partner/rocky relationship person had his back turned to me, didn't say hello, and I felt invisible. I went straight to the shower and broke down in tears as soon as the water turned on.
I was fucking miserable. Like... didn't want to live in my body any more - miserable. I was stifling my moans as tears mixed with shower water and felt like I couldn't breathe. In that moment I realized that I COULD NOT continue to just go through life, letting things happen to me. I wanted to be able to feel my emotions and not be guilty about it. I wanted to connect to who I was and be empowered in my femininity. I was so tired of living in a masculine society (usa) and feeling like a robot, operating and producing. I mean, I practiced yoga, I ate healthy, I had a semi-meaningful job, and *what I thought* was a connection to a higher power. But I did ALL of that on a totally intellectual level. My brain woke me up in the morning, it made decisions for me, it dictated my entire life. My heart wasn't in it- my intuition was starving, and my femininity was non-existent.
So through a process of introspection, self-care, and ritual, I decided to learn how to live in the flow, to listen to my heart, and to be my own woman.
My life radically shifted- I left my partner and got my own apartment and learned how to be alone and love it. I quit my job to figure out what I wanted to do. I began to heal my relationship with my mother by individuating myself from her. I became ME- my clothes changed, my friendships changed, and I even began to learn how to eat according to how I FELT in my body.
Now, when I look back and how much of my life was spent feeling miserable and wanting to run away from it, I'm not sad. I realized that I needed those 20+ years of darkness, to be able to see the light. When I learned about my body, my cycles, and how to live in the feminine while existing in a masculine society- I BECAME a woman. Like a flower opening, my world opened up. It no longer felt small or claustrophobic. I literally felt like I could do anything and my biggest hopes and dreams started to look totally possible. When we are connected to ourselves, we learn how to make decisions from our heart. Life becomes a thing of love, not fear. When we know ourselves, on every level, we feel comfortable setting boundaries, saying NO, and feeling into the hell yes moments, too!
My own experience of navigating through popular self-care processes like yoga, meditation, ayurveda, and basic self-care taught me that self-care looks SO different for everyone. I didn't fully learn how to take care of my self until I connected to myself. Just like a child who needs something, instead of just putting down different items of support, we connect to the child, we speak to them, ask them questions, and we let them tell us what they need. In a world filled to the brim with teachers and healing modalities, and wellness retreats and self-help books, the overwhelm and anxiety can come simply from not knowing what we need.
This is what I've learned- when we have permission to be ourselves, our higher self tells us what we need.
I'm so honored that you all are stepping up and saying HELL YES to what you need. This is what I do- and for three more days, you'll have the opportunity to work with me in a self-paced, online experience for women called Balanced Babes. Because this is what I do - I help you connect to yourself so you can cut out the bullshit, honor what you need, and release what no longer serves you. I remember crying in the shower that day and realizing that never again would I feel so disconnected and this is why I do this work. And I would love to do this with you!
Simply click here to learn more.